Sunday, November 13, 2011

With or Without Kids?

I have been a single mother now for almost three years. My children are 6 and 2. I finally feel like I am ready to get back out in the dating world and get serious again. The majority of the guys that I meet have children. In this day and age its rare to find someone who doesn't have children, male or female. Its even more rare to find a man who has children that he is a full time parent to. (meaning that the child or children live with him 100% of the time)  However, there are a few decent guys left who don't have children. In a poll in the November issue of Essence magazine, men were asked what they love about black women. While a lot of the answers were things like our natural hair, our hips, strength and how we just get them. A surprising 81% of men said they have no problem dating a black woman with kids. I don't know if these were black men who have kids already or men without kids, but my question is, where are those men at?! 

Don't get me wrong there are some men who don't have kids, and they don't mind dating a women with kids. They are around and available. I have talked to quite a few of these men. (now when I say talk to, I mean literally talked to on the phone. We can be phone pals for forever I am very hesitant to have people around my kids who will not be around for the long haul, so phone pals is safe dating for me.There is no obligation to have you around my kids and no obligation for anything serious especially if I don't think your the one.) Women who are lucky enough to find these men in my opinion are getting the cream of the crop. Here is why, number one its hard enough now a days to take care of your own children. To be able to come in and love and care for someone else's is even harder. When I met my ex he had a son already. Jr was three years old. I was only 18 he could have been my little brother, as a matter of fact I had a little brother his age. Not to mention I had a step mother who treated me and my sister like trash, so I already had issues with stepping into that role to another child. However I also had seen it done right. My step father not only married my mom who had three kids at the time, but then she found out she could never give him a child of his own and they adopted 5 together. Now, you cant tell me Jr isn't my son, even though his father and I aren't together anymore he will always be my children's big brother and I love him just like my own. I only have to explain that he is my step son when people ask about our ages he just turned 12 and I'm 26. Another reason I think women who snag a man with no kids is lucky, they have no baby momma drama. We all know how hectic that can be especially when there is more than one baby momma or baby daddy. One thing that I always ask men that have children, "what is your relationship like with the mom? are you guys still sleeping together?" Here is why; if they have a good relationship where both parties are mature enough to take their emotions and feelings out of it and do whats best for the child that means less drama. That also means that in the event we get together and have a child then it doesn't work out, I can expect the same from him. In the event that he is still sleeping with the baby momma, that means that they still have some unresolved issues and emotions and feelings are still on the mix. That's not something I want to involve myself in. Through that child they will always find a reason to end up back in each others arms and bed.

The cons to getting a man with no kids. First, if your a woman with more than two baby daddies, you need to work on you and stop thinking that a baby will make every man stay with you. You also need to invest in some birth control or get them tubes tied! Its those kinds of women who hurt the man (and sometimes the kids) now he is bitter not wanting to date anyone else with kids. When he doesn't have kids but he gets attached to yours it makes him resentful and now he doesn't want to go through that again. Just like its a packaged deal when you get em, its a packaged deal when you lose em. Especially when a child is young. If you think the pool of men who want to date a women with kids is small, the percent that will still care for and love that child or children after the relationship has went bad is even smaller. Another con is, some men are not ready to grow up until its their own flesh and blood. I once talked to a guy and found out he loved to shop more than me. Don't get me wrong he was sharp, but our financial priorities were in two different places. He could easily drop $1000 on shoes and gidgets and gadgets and custom tires for his car. I can pay like three bills, buy some outfits for the kids and some diapers. In my mind I couldn't rationalize spending that much money on "toys" and stuff for me because my children and my home take precedence. I need a cushion in case something goes wrong. In his mind if things go wrong he can always move back home with mom until he gets back on his feet.

In my attempt to start dating again I have tried a few different routes to finding love. The majority of men that I find who don't have kids do not want to date a woman with kids. The reason for this is they want to start their own family from scratch. Which I cant fault them for that, I remember feeling that way at one point. The difference is, women are natural nurturers. We love and care for people by nature so a women with no kids is more apt to love and accept a man and his children before a man will its a part of our makeup. No matter which party has children it takes a special individual to come in and love a child that is not theirs, like its their own. So to the men and women who are doing it, or have done it I applaud you. There are a lot of good women left in the world just like there are a lot of good men left in the world. We just have to stop holding other peoples pasts against them so we can get to that good. Either way when you choose to date someone with kids they are a packaged deal and you have to take them all together or not at all.

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