When All Else Fails, Do You!!!

 
I can't tell you how many years I spent trying to make people like me.  I allowed myself to become extremely agreeable, funny, and nice for fear that the real me would cause them to run away.  I honestly believed that there was something wrong with me.

It's funny, when I turned 33, I decided that it was best to just be me.  I looked in the mirror and made a commitment to be true to myself.  I actually liked what I saw in my reflection.  I decided that I would no longer wear a mask or be the way people expected me to be.  I became comfortable in my own skin.  I learned that there was nothing wrong with being myself and whoever did not like me as I was was not meant to be in my life.

I can't tell you how ultimately freeing it was to just be myself.  To love myself without abandon.  To accept the things that are just "me."  At first, it was strange feeling this way.  Now, it is second nature.

When all else fails, do you.  What does that mean?  It means being true to yourself and accepting yourself as you are and not how you wish to be.  It means being present and not stuck in the past or the future.  Being one with who you are is a gift that most people never truly get. 

Live Your Life...On Your Terms...

Are you happy with the life you are living?  If not, you can change it!!!  Really, you can.

I used to be the most unhappy attorney.  I spent years going to school, preparing to be an attorney.  After 7 years, I actually attained that dream but it did not live up to the hype.  I spent time working in firms where it was apparent that as a black woman, I was never going to get ahead.  I was never treated right and I went from job to job hating every experience.

So what did I do?  I just changed my perspective.  Since being a lawyer wasn't working for me, I decided to start my own business.  Was it hard?  Yes, but so rewarding.  I don't wake up upset I have to go to a 9-5 with people I do not like.  I don't have to hate my life and only live for the weekends.  What kind of life is that anyway?  And you know what?  People respect people who live life on their terms.  I had to stop defending my decision to life life outrageously and just live my life.

Slowly but surely, things began to work out.  I realized who my friends and family really were.  I gained strength from realizing my true priorities.  I developed a thick skin.  And I only surrounded myself with positive people.

What about you?  What can you change?  In a bad relationship?  Know that you can do better.  Living in a one-sided fantasy?  Know that it cannot compare to a real, happy relationship.  Not happy with yourself or your surroundings?  Know that you can change that?  Friends not supporting you?  Get rid of them and start afresh.

Happiness really is a choice.  You can change any situation by changing your perspective.  You want to make a changes in your life?  You can change any and everything in your life.  Let nothing stop you from doing what you need to do.  Live your life...on your terms.

Never Settle For Less Than You Deserve

I recently heard a conversation between two friends in the bathroom of all places. Usually I don't make it my business to get into other peoples business. In most cases I'm not that bold because I don't know the situation, I only know what I have heard in that moment and there is most likely more to the story. In this instance I had to make an exception. There were two ladies one was plus size the other was not. Both were very pretty. The curvy girl was telling her friend that they guy she has set her up on a date with was not her type and she just wasn't interested. Her friend kept insisting that she give him a try and get to know him more she might like him and so on. The curvy girl said no, I'm not interested in getting to know him, I can feel it I'm not attracted to him, he does nothing for me I just don't want to. Her friend was clearly getting upset, and she said to her. "This is why you haven't had a man in all these years, your not getting any younger, your not trying to lose any weight, you cant afford to be picky!" She immediately went on to say how she wasn't trying to hurt her friend she was just keeping it real and giving her tough love. She thought that her friend was still holding out for her ex, and that's why she wouldn't give other men a chance. Now like I said I usually don't get in other peoples business, but I felt I had to say something. So I said " Actually she can afford to be picky. She is a very beautiful woman, and if she is not into somebody she is not into them. She shouldn't have to force feelings for somebody and settle just because she has been alone for a while. That's not fair to her. That just means God is still getting her ready for the person she is supposes to be with and if that means its her ex so be it. How do you know God isn't repairing and restoring both of them to make it right this time?" I then looked at my fellow curvy girl and I said "baby you don't have to lose any weight unless you want to you are beautiful as you are, and don't let anybody ever tell you other wise." Her friend gave me all kinds of side eye, on my way out, and I gave her all kinds of -I wish you would- on my way out. It actually angered me to hear her tell this woman that because she didn't want to lose weight she had to basically settle for something she knew she didn't want.

That's a big stereotype against full figured women is that we have to settle for the men that are left because we don't have a right to the socially attractive men.  First off looks are not everything. Some of these men, yes, are physically attractive, but their inner ugliness is so transparent we wouldn't want them anyway. Secondly, don't get it twisted boo boo, those same men want us.  I used to think that way when I was younger, but trust me I grew out of that quickly. In my post "Fall for Your Type" I talked about the ones that always get me in trouble. One in particular being the light skin pretty eyes type. One of my good friends is that guy. We have been friends for many years, and I think its mainly because we just click with each other and our fall back no matter what happens as a means to stay in each others lives is our friendship. A lot of people think physically he is out of my league. (Think Michael Ealy with green eyes) He is absolutely gorgeous. He makes my heart race and cheeks flush red just by walking into a room. He is trouble in every sense of the word and can have any woman he wants. But we are still really good friends first, at any given moment either one of us could lose a limb, or be struck with a fatal illness and that would never change. That's just mutual feelings, respect and understanding of another person it has nothing to do with what either of us look like.  We get each other, we accept each other and we appreciate each other.

No matter what you look like, you know how you feel about someone else. You know if you feel something whether its lust or love,and you know if you feel nothing towards another person.  Don't ever let anybody tell you what you deserve, or what you cant have. Any friend who would encourage you to settle for less than what you want or deserve is not a true friend. God intends for you to have the best, never settle for less than that.

Words from Ma Laina (Thalaina Edwards)

Not sure where she got it - but I love it!! 


When you’re plus size woman, people like to say "yeah, she's cute in the face", as if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! And there's more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes my clothes maybe a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight, and we never have a problem getting a date. So don’t think your small frame gives you more pull, I’m a hot, sexy, curvy woman with a figure that's full. :) repost if your a curvy girl and proud to be!!

Marriage: Not What It Used To Be

It used to be that once a couple decided they were in love and couldn't live without each other, they ran off and got married to show the world  how committed they were. Eager to start a family and start their journey as one, when they committed to "for better or worse", they meant it. Those were the marriages that survived slavery, racism, segregation, and many senseless murders and separation of black families. Those marriages have history behind them. They have decades of definitions of what "for better or for worse, for richer or poorer", really stand for. It used to be that people couldn't even afford rings when they got married, but that didn't make them any less committed. It was more than a status, the rings or the ceremony didn't make them married. It was the dedication and faithfulness to each other and their family and their union before God. Now marriage has become a joke. Like most everything that used to have a foundation in this society, its become nothing more that another means of income, an obligation, a final resort. Its become more about how much money is spent on the ring, and what the dress looks like. Marriages are now more focused on the big day and less about what comes after the honey moon is over.

I remember when I moved to Georgia back in 2008. I worked at a doctors office and upon meeting one of the patients and talking to her, we discovered that we both had come from the same city in Ohio, knew mutual people and even went to the same elementary school. When she discovered that I was pregnant with my son, and was there with my daughter and their father looking to start over, she immediately took me in as family. Offering help with anything I needed, whether it was help with the kids, finding my way around, she even offered help as far as helping me with wedding plans. (me and my children's father had planned to get married after our son was born) I had confided in her that I was nervous about being away from my family, my support system, during such an emotional time. I had problems with my ex cheating in the past and my spider senses were telling me that those issues would surface again sooner or later. I wanted to be sure it was no longer going to be an issue before I committed to, for better or for worse. I do now as I did then, only want to get married one time and it will be until death do us part. This is when I began to not only lose respect for her but I began to distance myself from her. She said to me, "Honey a man is going to be a man, if he wants to cheat you cant stop him, but just know if he don't act right, you don't have to stress yourself over it. Just divorce him and move on to the next one." Now I was with her on the whole "a man will be a man part" I absolutely agree. I eventually came to see the truth in that when my ex did begin to cheat again. The reason I began to distance my self was because she treated marriage like it was disposable, like a dirty shirt. She had a "why wash it when you can buy another one" mentality. That told me that she would never be able to give me unbiased advise and she would eventually, if I let her, steer me right out of my relationship. Was I hurt yes I was hurt beyond belief. I had given this man many years and two beautiful children, loyalty, devotion and I stood by him when everyone else walked away, I encouraged and supported him to pursue his dreams, his hobbies, and I invested in him. I prayed for him and wiped his tears because that's how I love. However I'm no mans fool. Later I realized the blessing in us not getting married. As I said before I only want to get married once. Now from that experience I know what I want in my marriage. I also know what I don't want. I don't want a marriage out of obligation or guilt. That was the blessing in me not getting married. Everybody told him, "you have two kids by her marry her. She has been with you all these years marry her." If he wasn't going to marry me because he loved me more than anything and couldn't imagine his life with out me whether we had kids or not I didn't want it. His constant cheating told me that wasn't the case.

People don't think that way any more. Marriage means more than never having to sleep alone any more. There are plenty of women who work different shifts than their husbands and they never sleep together. There are people who married someone in the army and work keeps them separated for the majority of the year. Its more than not having to bare the financial load alone anymore, especially in this economy. Now days marriage is a convenience factor, its an excuse, and apparently its a pay day-ahem Kim Kardashian. I personally don't agree with the whole gay and lesbian lifestyle. I don't have anything against it, I'm just saying do what you want just don't impose it on me and we can all coexist peacefully. With that being said, I don't agree with people saying that gays and lesbians are ruining the sanctity of marriage by wanting the right to get married, when you have people-straight people- who get married for 72 days for reality t.v and a few million dollars. How can you go through for better or worse in 72 days? (unless you have a few terminally ill family members or your spouse is in a serious accident) How did she go through poorer in 72 days? I know she didn't cause she made like 18 million off the wedding! Things like this is whats ruining the sanctity of marriage. When did it stop being about love?

Color Blind

We live in a world now days where everyone is practically all mixed up. We live in the melting pot of the world. Who you fall in love with and what race or religion they are should not be an issue anymore. However the sad reality of the world we live is that for some people it still is. I know a doctor that is Jewish, and because he married a Christian woman, other Jewish doctors and business men have outcast him, and call his children heathens. He is one of the nicest most sincere people I know.

Despite what some people in the world would have you to believe, racism is still alive and well in our society. We still have a long way to go as a people. You would think after all we have been through as a nation, the many lives that were lost, we would have learned something by now but we haven't. Here are a few examples from the world I live in. *names have been changed*.

Terrence and Amy have a daughter together, he is black she is white. Her family has denied their child because of its mixed race. They refuse to help her with any thing she needs unless the two are fighting, then they only help her if they can throw "I told you so's" in her face. The problem is, number one Amy wont stop running to her family when things get bad. She is to naive to realize that every bad thing she runs and tells them when she gets mad at Terrence, they hold against him as all the more reason to justify their racist behavior. Amy's anger only lasts for a moment, her families anger doesn't, it only gets worse with each argument. So even after she has forgiven him and went back home, they are still holding a grudge.

Sam and Christine broke up because he cheated on her with an old friend Laura who happens to be white.As a result of that one night stand he got Laura pregnant. Laura's family doesn't like black people. Sam's grandmothers family was broken up because her husband cheated on her with a white woman over 40 years ago. Sam's grandmother battled with alcoholism, depression and suicide attempts as result of him abandoning her and their children to start a new family. Sam's grandmother always told him white women weren't good for anything but breaking up black families. Now this child has two sides of her family who shun her because of issues that go back over half a century before she was born.

Race issues are still tearing holes in our communities. We have placed a nice bandage over them, and even though it appears to have scabbed over some, if you pick at it enough it will bleed again. The sad part is, its not just a color thing, its a people thing. Not only do we tear down people from other races, we tear down each other. Blacks are killing other blacks, and whites are killing other whites. If my child decides she wants to date a Mexican/German/Irish American I don't care as long as he treats her right and makes her happy. We all should want happiness and wish the best for each other sadly that is not the case. We as a people are so quick to judge and classify people or things that we don't know or understand. We take the easy way out instead of putting forth an effort. We don't just do it with race, we discriminate against people who are gay, fat, short, or who have disabilities. None of us are perfect, we all have faults and flaws. Just because someone is different doesn't make them any more or less flawed than we are. Now I'm not naive. There are some things that people of your race just get about your situation. One main issue that I have seen between interracial couples is that one party doesn't understand the others struggle. If a black man is having a hard time finding a job or catching a break, his white counter part might not understand why doors are not opening. If he says its because I'm black she wont understand and assume he is playing the race card as a cop out. The same with a black woman. There is always that uncomfortable elephant in the room which is the race card.  However I have seen it done the right way. One of my white high school teachers has a black wife, and they are the most loving committed fun couple I have ever seen. Neither of them make excuses for their people, they see the world from a very realistic point of view and they keep their issues and love at home. The first priority is that they understand each other and they are on the same page. Its a beautiful thing. 

We have come a long way as a country but we still have so far to go. Love doesn't have a color, it doesn't have an ethnicity or race. Its pure, its simple, complex and amazing. I'm not just talking about the love between a couple, I'm talking about the love God wants us to have for self and for each other. That love is color blind, and its runs soul deep.